Beneath the excitement of travel was a core of sadness, knowing this would become the memory of a place he’d seen for the last time.
He was currently drinking a fine “blended whisky”—mixed bottom-of-bottle dregs of bourbon, vodka, vermouth, and fernet-branca.
Becoming good at something is a kind of loss.
Mon
Stepped outside. Seemed gross. Went back inside.
Tue
Same.
Thurs
—
Next week sometime
Birds, wind. Weeping.
Observed in the waiting room of the School of Osteopathic Medicine:
1) Man in vomit-splashed pajama top, repeatedly asserting that he is both a lawyer and a doctor
2)
When I was about ten years old my Grandfather told me something I’ve never forgotten. He said that whenever he was going through something painful or unpleasant he always reminded himself, it’s what you deserve, you miserable piece of shit, and that always made him feel better. I used to wonder why that made him feel better, but think I’m starting to get it now.
If we admitted how terrifying life is,
would we need more drugs, or less?
Another day on earth;
pray for mercy and hope for the best.
Always never not letting go.
We usually tried to avoid his visits, which often felt weighted with some unspecified tension or grievance. Later I learned that throughout this period he’d been in dreadful pain, and that our times together had been among the few things that distracted him from his suffering.
A late summer afternoon that already feels over. There was a life here, wasn’t there? You can almost still hear it. A wedding; you gave a speech that left no impression. This is how it will be after you’re gone. As if it never happened.
Don’t elevate the legs. Not with a torso wound.
Mistaking scale for importance,
ambition for significance.
This year there was no tree; no lights; no gifts; no family; no steamed cranberry pudding with hard sauce. What remained of our holiday spirit was the annual Christmas weed for the guys on the trash truck. You never want to piss them off.
A few more moments of oblivion
before facing it all.
Whenever I see an advertisement cut to a soundtrack of “What a Wonderful World,” I always feel like I’m being sold a great big steaming pile of shit.
