She was eager to talk about the most fascinating person she had ever met, herself.
Your entire existence has been a fight not to die. When will you live?
You discover too late the meaning of too late.
That couple holding court over there, accomplished, attractive, older (my age?), she a composer and head of a department (the Composition Department, I would guess, if there is such a thing) and he a well-known painter, portraits of John Coltrane on black velvet, in kingly dress—I’d assumed undertaken with some irony, but having once mentioned this in his presence and receiving an embarrassed smile, as if he was embarrassed for me, apparently some internalized form of post-ironic sincerity.
When I am forced upon their radar, they regard me with a vague distaste that doesn’t quite come up to the level of dislike. I’ll show you later on—if we walk in that direction, the flurry of minute physical adjustments as they calculate whether they can safely avoid us without personal discomfort. Since the accident I’ve been pleased to detect a new note of fear in their uneasiness, as if I now represent the additional possibility of freakish misfortune that might befall anyone, no matter how charmed or lucky.
I bring this up because I owe my newfound awareness to you, the last time we met, when you mentioned that for you it would be hell on earth to know what other people really think of you. The way you said it, though, I got the impression that you really meant it would be hell on earth for me, and I haven’t been able to shake it.
The gift of language: miracle and catastrophe.
The billion flinches that rebuilt your face.
She said, normally people at this level of depression are dead by your age.
In an early draft she referred to him as “recessive to the point of nonexistent,” but then later edited him out.
Whatever; if you say so. I grew up poor and afraid. I believe you more than I believe myself.
The two primary obstacles to improvement were (1) starting, and (2) continuing.
Wear as many clothes as possible, as often as possible. Avoid cameras, mirrors, and other reflective surfaces.
Drifting off to sounds of birds, or the wind, or cooking in the kitchen.
The things you joke about during the day can fill you with horror in the middle of the night.
He had attempted to make great art, always a mistake.
Each morning he stepped out, felt the air on his skin, and gave thanks for this new reprieve.
Watching in disbelief as the unthinkable becomes inevitable.
